i am currently working on an Essay for law, i chose to write about violence in hockey and this being a hockey board and i know there is alot of knowledge here, i thought it would be a good idea to post what i have so far and get your opinions. So if you have the time, read what i have so far and let me know what you think and what i should do to make it better. Thanks alot!!
It all started with one punch. No one can pin point exactly when it first started, but somewhere down the line, someone decided to start what has become a tradition in hockey. Fighting. Tanya Thomas states " Don Cherry would be very proud of today's generation." ( http://www.snn-rdr.ca/snn/2003feb/hockey.html ) Don Cherry, a Canadian icon, encourages rough play and has even released 10+ videos of his favorite hits from around the league. With how players these days put violence and toughness ahead of skill and finess it makes one wonder. Is hockey based on potential players also needing to depend on their fighting abilities?
It's late in a game, the other team seems to be dominating every aspect and you are looking for some way to swing momentum to your side. A tactic many coaches use these days is to send out their "enforcer " and let him head hunt the other teams best players. It has become a regularity for every team in the National Hockey League and lower leagues to carry a player on their team to fulfill to role of "enforcer" An enforcer is definded as "one whose job it is to execute unpleasant tasks for a superior" by Dictionary.com (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=enforcer) , but isn't it ironic that the reason some teams carry these players is to protect themselves from other teams enforcers from injuring their best players? In the NHL season of 2003-2004, a game seemed to be all but lost for the Colorado Avalanche. Steve Moore, in his rookie season decides to take matters into his own hands and delivers a cheap shot hit to Markus Naslund, the Vancouver Canucks captain and best player. Naslund went down and was injured because of the hit and had to leave the game. In other cases this has happened and the villian walked away free because the victim skates away unharmed. In this paticular case, Steve Moore returned to the bench before retaliation from the Canuck's enforcer could be given and Bob Hartley benches Moore to ensure he doesn't get hurt. This ultimately fustrates the Canucks players. That night during the press coverage of the game, "Brad May declares a bounty on Moore; the coach, by staying silent gives his tactic approval; the media laps it up; the fans are riled." ( Jamie Fitzpatrick- Cultivating Todd Bertuzzi May 11, 2004) and this sets the stage for the events that would take place a couple weeks later. In a rematch of the two teams Moore was struck from behind by a punishing fist of a much larger and stronger Todd Bertuzzi. Moore emmidiately went down unconsciousand within seconds everyone on the ice was paired up with another player fighting, attempting to justify their sides. When order was restored, Moore was carried off the ice in a stretcher, still unconscious and had suffered from a broken neck and cracked vertebraes. Some believe the Instigator Penalty is to blame for hooligan incidents like this. The rule states "A player who is deemed to be the instigator of an altercation shall be assessed an instigating minor penalty, a major for fighting and a ten minute misconduct." (http://www.nhl.com/rules/rule56.html) a total of 17 minutes in penalties. Players don't want to hurt their team more by fighting and recieving the instigator penalty so they decide to let things go to ensure nothing happens. Without this rule, the Canucks would have settled their score emmidiately with Moore. After hitting Naslund with a cheap shot a couple weeks earlier, Moore would have had to stand up and take a fist in the face and juctice would be served, at least in the players eyes, and everyone would move on. Instead, the Canucks were left to boil for several weeks, which only amplified the pressure to retaliate and stick up for their injured teammate. That's how the arguement goes anyway. But beyond the Bertuzzi case, all this circles around a much larger issue. Bloody hockey is dear to the fans.
Blame the entire culture of the game if you must. Brawling and violence have been present throughout the sports entire history. Sure, you could eliminate violence from hockey period, but would anyone watch it? "The best games are the ones with a touch of hate in the air." ( Jamie Fitzpatrick Cultivating Todd Bertuzzi March 11th, 2004 ) Everyone enjoys a good old rivalry and enjoy watching people get hit. Of course as long as the hits are legal. This also explains why fans love fights so much. " A fight often acts as an ignition switch, stoking the passions of every fan in the building. The players bear down; intensity rises; the plot thickens; the game is on." ( Jamie Fitzpatrick Cultivating Todd Bertuzzi- March 11th, 2004 ) The problem is the media specializes in taking a small thing and blowing it way out of proportion. It sells papers. So its no wonder that much of what is written lacks truth or basic knowlede of the game. Fans love a player's mean side. Tie Domi, a long time fan favorite of Leaf fans, is one of the most recognized players ever for his role. He is always getting the fans into the game by either landing a vicious hit or dropping the gloves and going all out in a tilt with an opponent from the other team. This gets the fans up off their seats cheering, and it also puts fans in the seats, period. The downside to this is a player must know when and where to draw the line. Meaning when a fight becomes assault or can threaten a players life. Sadly, the line is very fuzzy and in desperate need of clarification. Garry Bettman, league commissioner thinks otherwise " This is not a part of our game, it has no place in our game, and it will not be tolerated in our game" ( http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/news/story?id1756682 ), commenting on Bertuzzi's act on Moore. But how can he stand against that incident but allow the rest go because the victim is unharmed? It's really hard to say. The Bertuzzi incident was replayed across the U.S. and Canada, and he and the league were both bashed by reporters in both countries, including a headline that read " Does Someone Have to Die "? ( Toronto Star, March 11th 2004) A very good point indeed. Does someone have to die before the league really grabs a threshold of unnessesary violence or will this be a ongoing problem in the sport of hockey? Jamie Fitzpatrick states, "Hockey will always be the barely civilized game" ( Cultivating Todd Bertuzzi- March 11th, 2004 ) The game will never be the most popular, or win the hearts of editors and "self appointed custodians of sport". But if your a fan of the game, you've learned to accept that long before your decision to become a fan was made.
Thats it so far.....im pretty pleased with it but im sure it can be improved. Let me know what you think!!!
-- Edited by Johab at 15:14, 2005-12-11
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At just 18, i've got the girl who has said the 6 words i've wanted to hear my whole life!! " My Dad Owns A Liquor Store"
A pleasure to read Johab. You've got some writing talent. What is this essay for exactly?
There are some little typos and word usage problems, however. If you like I could point a few out for you.
Also, some general (unsolicited) tips:
In an essay, beginning sentences with "but" is o.k. But you need to be careful not to overuse it. It's usually not so great to begin or end paragraphs with sentences that begin with "but" either, unless there's a strong reason for doing so.
Be careful about shifts in tense and address. There are quite a few moments where you switch quickly from past tense to present tense, and vice versa. Again, like the "but" issue, this is not prohibited, but you should have a consistent reason why you're doing it, e.g. every time you switch from a formal mode of telling us about something that happened in the past to an informal mode (where it feels like you're having a conversation with us) you could switch from present to past tense... (that's just one possible tactic). The key is be consistent in whatever it is you're doing.
Shifts in address: you shift regularly between a conversational mode and a more formal mode. This can also be fine. Just be careful about it, is all, because it can be jarring. It's less jarring when it feels like the shift "had to happen."
It's amazing how much these little things make a difference, between something that reads effortlessly and something that is slightly confusing. Journalists are absolute pros at making their writing totally invisible, but a lot of that is hard work.
Thanks plouf, advice is well apprieciated. I was getting worried when i saw the views going up and no replies. Thought people just couldnt understand it....or maybe some were scared of the length.
The essay is for my law class. We were told to chose a topic we were interested in that had something to do with law and i got away with Violence in Hockey because of the usage of the Bertuzzi and Moore case
Ill definately look into your pointer and see if there is a way i could fix that. Its helps alot to hear how it sounds to other people, because while im writing it it makes much more sense because....its what im thinking. I dont have to convince myself that what im writing i should believe. I already do. hahaha
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At just 18, i've got the girl who has said the 6 words i've wanted to hear my whole life!! " My Dad Owns A Liquor Store"
I'll agree right down the line with plouf's critiques and add just a couple:
Don't be afraid to break up a longer paragraph into component paragraphs. It will help isolate your ideas, and make the page look less daunting for the potential reader. A relaxed reader will always have a more positive opinion of your work.
Assume that the reader knows absolutely nothing about the subject or the people you mention. For example, add a few words explaining who Don Cherry is and why his opinion would matter. (I'm wrestling with that one myself)
Less is more. Look at every sentence and ask yourself if there's a way to get the same point across with fewer words. Especially if it's for Law, where fat is evil unless it's the paycheck.
Rewrite one more time than you feel you need to. Even the best writers spot something to change once they have established the rhythm and flow of a piece. When you become so familiar with your work that it's second nature, your mind is free to take it to the next level.
But these are all minor things that you can tinker with. The hard part is an enthusiasm for the subject that infects the reader, something you have no problem at all with.
Ok, now you can tell me to eat poo if you want.
Best of luck with it, I eagerly await the final draft
Nice work, Johab. I cannot add anything to what Plouf and Brooklyn are saying. The content is great; just watch out for grammar and syntax (you know that's a sticking point in my household). And smaller paragraphs, please!
But as for content, A+ . You have a great writing talent. Just get an editor, and you're all set!
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Hey, I just wanted to tell you, if you don't have it already, to go and snap up a copy of Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style". It's a tiny book crammed with all you'll ever need to know about the ins and outs of composition, grammar and usage. I met a guy who writes for the NY Times, and he has it sitting on his desk to this day. If your local hasn't got it try Amazon
Speaking of the Times, you might want to get a copy of The New York Times Manual of Style and Usage (click the name for the link). It's great if you plan to write a lot of essays, as it has more specific usage examples for factual items. It's the arbiter of choice when sitting on the usage fence (Which is how Bonk injured his groin).
Both are easy to read, and will be of use to you for years to come.
The others are bang on and the only thing I can add is that I always like to make space between when I finish a draft and when I edit it and I also like to print and read it aloud to hear what it sounds like... helps with the flow, yo. I actually wrote a paper on Violence in Sports a bunch of years ago... it wasn't one of my best, but it may have a few helpful ideas... I can e-mail it to ya if you want me to.
No offense taken at all. I posted it here expecting some tips and pointers to make it better. When doing that you have to have an open mind to let new ideas and thoughts in. All your points are very helpful, i even handed in what i had so far into my teacher for editing, he likes it alot so far and commented only on my starting a few sentences with but and also to explain in more detail who some of the people are ( someone commented saying i should decribe people i mention as if the reader has never heard of them before. So far its helped out ALOT. Thanks again for all the tips!
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At just 18, i've got the girl who has said the 6 words i've wanted to hear my whole life!! " My Dad Owns A Liquor Store"