Funny read :)

http://tsn.ca/tsn_talent/columnists/james_duthie/

James Duthie

9/18/2006 3:34:56 PM

Okay, so the headline is a stretch, but over-dramatizing is just what I do. And for the record, this column has nothing to do with sports. Except for one Brad Richards quote. Which is good enough for me. Look, I've been on holidays all summer. It's all I got.

So we're planning our Griswald summer vacation back in May and everyone we know chirps:

"Go to PEI! You've got to go to PEI! It's Canada' Hamptons! Our secret paradise!"

Yada, Yada, Yoda.

Now they were right, mostly. Gorgeous island. Wonderful people. Great beaches.





But there was one teeny-weenie detail they left out. No biggie really. Just the BILLION BLEEPIN' JELLYFISH ATTACKING MY FAMILY!

You don't understand. This was biblical. Apocalyptic. It was like War of the Worlds. I half expected Dakota Fanning to come running past me screaming some cheesy line like "My puppy...They took my puppy!"

The first signs of impending terror came on the ferry over from Nova Scotia. As we were approaching shore, we started to notice all these hugantic red dots floating near the surface.

"What are those Daddy?" Said my inquisitive five year-old daughter.

Being the astute marine biologist I am, I answered: "Umm...those are...uh....plankton mussels....or something...oceany like that honey."

I really have to start reading more. Ah, who's kidding who. I really have to start watching Discovery more.

Fortunately, there was this Captain Highliner-type character standing right next to us.

"Eye matey! Them's Giant Jellyfish!"

Okay, he may not have really said "Eye matey", but he did have the white beard, and I believe he was concealing a pipe.

Big deal. Jellyfish. All part of the adventure, right? And besides, suckers that big can't possibly come close to shore.

Flash forward. Next day. North Cavendish Beach. Large hairy American man next to me in the water.

"Hey, neat! Look at that neat thing near my leg...OWWW!!#$% MOTHER OF @*$!*#! Mommy! I need my mommy!"

This scene would be repeated over and over. From the few words I could decipher between the curses and primal screams of victims, being stung by a jellyfish is roughly akin to having a wasp's nest shoved up your...ah...bellybutton.

The lifeguard at Cavendish tells us this is the largest jellyfish invasion anyone on the island had ever seen. He claims they usually only show up for a couple of weeks later in the summer, and even then, there is only a handful.

Thanks Hasselhoff. So you're telling us we picked the single worst swimming week in the history of Prince Edward Island. Thirty freakin' degrees and sunny every day. Clear, crystal water, bathtub warm. And these gargantuan Jell-O Pudding Pops with four-foot long stingers every second step.

Seriously, this could have been a Peter Benchley novel.

Granted, jellyfish are not the most cunning and elusive of sea predators. In fact, they move like Bengie Molina. From what I can tell, the travels of a jellyfish are dictated entirely by the current. They will only bring you down if you bump into them.

Much like the Packers defense.

I call Brad Richards, who still spends his summers in PEI, for emergency advice.

"Just grab them by the tops, and they can't sting you. You can pick them up and chuck them as long as you don't touch the tentacles."

Sure, Mr. Conn Smythe. Easy for you to say. I'd probably toss the queen jellyfish, causing the rest to hunt me down and latch on to my face, like the guy who orders the Nagafuki Surprise in that Bud Lite commercial.

You know what they say. Hell hath no fury like a jellyfish tossed.

So I spend most of the week playing Chief Brody, scouring the shoreline with my binoculars, then screaming at my children to get out of the water if they are more than ankle-deep.

Of course, you can't keep kids from anything that looks remotely like Jell-O. By week's end, my boy was bopping them on the heads with his plastic shovel, and two year-old daughter had taken to scooping up the dead jellyfish washed up on shore with a stick and dissecting them. I know. There may be issues there.

Anyway, we miraculously got through The Great PEI Jellyfish Invasion of '06 sting-free. And oh, the tales we'll tell future Duthie generations.

I believe this is where the Morgan Freeman closing voice-over begins.

"Eventually the jellyfish terror subsided. The carnage left behind, a reminder of mankind's fragility...(poignant pause)...but also...his perseverance. For humanity, as it has done through the ages, finds a way to overcome. To fight back. And ultimately...(longer poignant pause)...to survive."

Amen, Morgan Freeman. Amen.

James Duthie can be reached at jduthie@tsn.ca. He'll begin writing about actual sports again as soon as the hockey season begins October 4th.