Anyone got any good knock knock jokes?

MC Girl · Guru

Anyone got any good knock knock jokes?

habgirl · Guru

None that I could put on this family board...

habs93 · Veteran Member

Only in Toronto.....

In the rest of Canada - Maple Leafs bloom in the spring but die in the fall

but only in Toronto - Maple Leafs bloom in the fall but die in the spring.......

MC Girl · Guru

habs93 wrote:

Only in Toronto..... In the rest of Canada - Maple Leafs bloom in the spring but die in the fall but only in Toronto - Maple Leafs bloom in the fall but die in the spring.......

LOL.... I like that one

MC Girl · Guru

I've got a really funny Toronto Maple Leafs joke......

Darcy Tucker....

MC Girl · Guru

Younger eyes please look away.....

TOP TWENTY-FIVE REASONS THAT HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX

25. It's ok to bleed during play.

24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time out.

23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.

22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.

21. You can still play when you get married.

20. You can change on the fly.

19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.

18. If you can't get it up, who cares?

17. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over.

16. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at!

15. It is broadcast live on TV.

14. Everyone can shoot at the same goal.

13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing!

12. Because of the facemask, nothing can get in your eyes!

11. You always know how big the stick is

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

9. The puck is always hard.

8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.

7. It lasts a full hour.

6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

5. Your parents cheer when you score.

4. When you're tired you're supposed to get off and let a buddy take your place.

3. You can count on it at least twice a week.

2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

And, the number one reason hockey is better than sex...

1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

superhab · Guru

A couple was getting divorced and they and they were having a nasty custody battle of thier only child. The judge couldn't decide what to do so he called the young boy in his chambers and asked him, "Do you want to live with your father?" to which the boy replied, "No my father beats me." The judge than asked, "Would you like to live with your mother?" to which the boy responded, "No, my mother beats me worse than my father." The judge had no idea what to do so he asked the boy, "Then were do you want to live?" the boy responded, "I want to live with the Toronto Maple Leafs, because they never beat anyone!"

A montreal fan, a Edmonton fan, and a Leafs fan were at this bar in Iraq drinking beer past midnight. they were unaware of a law in Iraq which forbids beer past 11 oclock. An Iraqi soldier took them away to recieve the usual punishment 10 lashes to the back. Since the Iraqi noticed that each of these men were foriegners he decided to cut them a break, he told them he would allow them each to request one change to their ten lashes to the back. The leafs fan was first, he asked for a pillow to be straped to his back. THe pillow held up until the fifth lash, the Leafs fan took five hard lashes to the back and left crying. THe Edmonton fan was a little smarter he requested two pillows to be straped to his back. After the 7th hit both pillows had broken and the man recived three hard whips to the back. he sucked up the pain and left. The guard then noticed the third man was wearing a Montreal Canadiens shirt he told him that since he had been to Montreal he would allow the man two changes to the whipping. The Montreal fan said, "First i would like a hundread whips" the guard was surprised but asked what his second request was. The Habs fan responded, "Secondly i would like the Toronto Maple Leafs fan straped to my back"

MC Girl · Guru

Those are pretty funny..... here's another that I found....

A TRUE CANADIAN

MC Girl · Guru

A TRUE CANADIAN ...

For some strange reason... the joke won't post..... I wonder why????

I'll try once more...

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"

The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral.”

-- Edited by MC Girl at 16:31, 2006-05-24

Zulrath · Senior Member

MC Girl wrote:

I've got a really funny Toronto Maple Leafs joke......

Darcy Tucker....

Encore, that cracked me up lol

brooklynhabfan · Guru

What's the difference between a hockey player and Courtney Love?

A Hockey player usually showers after the third ...... never mind, I think that would violate the code if I finished it....

MC Girl · Guru

LOL.... I know that one

WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO?

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease
dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school
yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true
that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

Jimmy blushes and says, “No teacher I'm sorry, but my dad plays hockey for the Leafs, and I was just too embarrassed to say so”

barry33 · Guru

Monk's Vow of Silence

There is a monestary here in New Brunswick where Monks go to meditate and work in the fields, dedicating their lives to God. Part of the requirement to stay there is to take a "Vow of Silence". However, once a year they are called in front of the Head Monk and allowed to say 2 words.

This one particular Monk, we will call him And-O for arguments sake, did not seem very happy there. The first time he was called in to speak his two words he said "Beds Hard". The head monk says "you may go now my son". A year passes by and brother And-O is called in front of the boss again to speak his two words. This time And-0 responds with "Saku Sucks". Once again he is sent back to the fields. Another year and he speaks his two words again..this time they are "Food Cold". The boss sends him back to the fields again.

Finally another year passes and Brother And-O is called in front of the Chief Monk again. The boss says "Ok my son, you may speak your 2 words again", to which brother And-O replies "I QUIT!". The head monk then replies "Well I am not one bit surpised. You have done nothing but COMPLAIN since you got here"

habs93 · Veteran Member

A Few Leaf Jokes.........

1) What's the difference between The Leafs and a cigarrette machine?

The cigarrette machine has "Players".

2) Why is The Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto?

That's the only way The Stanley Cup will ever be in Toronto.

3) Leaf officals announced that the club would wear brown uniforms next season.
Apparently Leafs do change colours when they fall.

4) Why don't the Leafs drink tea. Because Montreal have all The Cups.

5) What do you call $37 Million worth of mannequins? The Toronto Maple Leafs.

6) Why doesn't Hamilton have a NHL team? Because then Toronto would want one too.

7) How many Leaf fans does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and five to tell everyone how good the last one used to be.

8) Do you know how many Leaf players it takes to win The Stanley Cup? No....me neither

9) Pat Quinn took $100 million worth of hockey players to the Olympics in Torino and in
just two weeks he turned them into The Toronto Maple Leafs.

10) A Canadian peacekeeper is on patrol in The Middle East when he stumbles across a
lantern half buried in the sand. He picks it up, rubs it and out comes a genie. The genie
tells the peacekeeper he can grant him one wish - anything he wants. The peacekeeper
pulls out a map of the region and says he wants nothing more than peace throughout
the region - no more fighting. "Wow" says the genie "That's too tough, Would you settle
for anything else?" The peacekeeper thinks a moment and asks, "How about my Leafs
winning The Stanley Cup?" - to which the genie replies, "Let me see that map again."

MC Girl · Guru

habs93 wrote:

A Few Leaf Jokes.........

All Good!!!!! I will be using those.

Nil d · Guru

MC Girl wrote:

habs93 wrote: A Few Leaf Jokes......... All Good!!!!! I will be using those.

Especially that last one (about the genie) - I heard another variation, but they're all good!

MC Girl · Guru

I heard this one on Toronto's Breakfast Television (News Program) this morning

What do Whales & the Leafs have in common???

They both get confused when they see ice

Johab · Guru

Besides the Great Wall of China, what is the only other Man-made object visable from space?......Kerry Frasers hair

brooklynhabfan · Guru

Johab wrote:

Besides the Great Wall of China, what is the only other Man-made object visable from space?......Kerry Frasers hair

Don Koharski's Donut Pile of Doom?

MC Girl · Guru

Not hockey related but made me giggle...

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato,
which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked,
so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny
like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam
to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries

And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians
so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds,
or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U.
(that's Potato University) so that when she graduated
she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw
because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?

*
*
*
*
*
*
*

A COMMON TATER!

Key Lime · Guru

Knock knock

Who there?

Norma Lee

Norma Lee who?

Norma Lee I wouldn't post this but 4 days with no hockey and you can undestand why...

brooklynhabfan · Guru

MC Girl wrote:

A COMMON TATER!

Ooohhhhhh! Arrrgghhhh! LOL!

That reminds me of the one the has Roy Rogers on the hunt to find a mountain lion that mauled his fancy new boots.

The joke goes on forever, and then ends with a guide saying.

"Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" (A pun on "Pardon me boy, is that the Chattanooga Choo-Choo"

MC Girl · Guru

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ice between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." ...... "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "We've got all the referees."

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH!!!!!

MC Girl · Guru

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in the park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. "What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Habs fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

brooklynhabfan · Guru

MC Girl wrote:

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in the park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. "What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Habs fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

My fave so far...

MC Girl · Guru

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)

• New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
• Canadians plant gardens.

40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)

• Californians shiver uncontrollably.
• Canadians Sunbathe.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)

• Italian Cars won't start
• Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)

• Distilled water freezes
• Canadian water get thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)

• New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
• Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)

• Hollywood disintegrates.
• Canadians rent some videos.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)

• Mt. St. Helens freezes.
• Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)

• Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
• Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)

• Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
• Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)

• Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
• Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)

• Hell freezes over.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

MC Girl · Guru

Descriptions of Team Positions

TEAM COACH
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to The Almighty

TEAM CAPTAIN
Leaps short buildings with single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with The Almighty

ASSISTANT CAPTAIN
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB gun
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with The Almighty if special request is granted

DEFENSEMAN
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by The Almighty

FORWARD
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals

ROOKIE
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls

GOALIE
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets with his teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance (who needs a Zamboni?)
He is The Almighty

Go Huet Go!!!

macneil · Guru

since noone posted this 1 i will . 2 leaf fans die and go to hell , now the devil being a canadies fan decides to teach them a lesson , he turns up the heat in hell , the next day the 2 leafs fans are going about thier business when the devil asks them if they find it hot ,they reply no , this is june temps in t.o. , so he turns it up twice as hot , and asks them again , they reply no , this is aug. temps in t.o. , so finally he decides to turn the table on them and turns the heat off , and there it is snowing in hell , he turns to see the leafs fans dancing and he asks them whats up , they reply dont you get it , hell frooze over the leafs won the cup .

Johab · Guru

MC Girl wrote:

Descriptions of Team Positions TEAM COACHLeaps tall buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a locomotiveIs faster than a speeding bulletWalks on waterGives policy to The Almighty TEAM CAPTAINLeaps short buildings with single boundIs more powerful than a switch engineIs just as fast as a speeding bulletWalks on water if the sea is calmTalks with The Almighty ASSISTANT CAPTAINLeaps short buildings with a running start and favorable windsIs almost as powerful as a switch engineIs faster than a speeding BB gunWalks on water in an indoor swimming poolTalks with The Almighty if special request is granted DEFENSEMANBarely clears a Quonset hutLoses tug-of-war with a switch engineCan fire a speeding bulletSwims wellIs occasionally addressed by The Almighty FORWARDMakes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildingsIs run over by a locomotiveCan sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injuryDog paddlesTalks to animals ROOKIERuns into buildingsRecognizes locomotive two out of three timesIs not issued ammunitionCan't stay afloat with a life preserverTalks to walls GOALIELifts buildings and walks under themKicks locomotives off the tracksCatches speeding bullets with his teeth and eats themFreezes water with a single glance (who needs a Zamboni?)He is The Almighty Go Huet Go!!!

That is hilarious!!! And being a goalie makes the ending even better!!!

rwp2le · Guru

4 Canadian hockey fans decide that it would be the ulimate show of respect for thier teams by climbing Mount Everest. When they make it to the top of the mountain, the Bruins fan looks at the other 3 guys, and says "Bruins fans are the best fans in the world, and this is for all of them around the world." He then runs and jumps off the side of the mountain. The second fan, a Red Wings fan looks at the other 2 guys and says "Wings fans are the most dedicated fans in the world, and will not be shown up by a Brunis fan." He runs as fast as he can and dives off the side of the mountain while screaming "This is for Wings fans everywhere." That leaves 2 fans left. A Habs fan and a Leafs fan. The Habs fan looks at the Leaf fan and says "Habs fans are the smartest fans in the world, and this is for hockey fans everywhere." Grabs the leaf fan, and throws him off the mountain.