http://tsn.ca/columnists/james_duthie.asp



Bah Humpuck!

TSN.ca Staff

10/11/2005

We are a nation of complainers.

We complain about the weather. "It's too cold!" "It's too hot!"

(My otherwise perfect wife (always suck up before you mock) has a window of .6 degrees Celsius where she is content. 23.5 to 24.1. If it hits 24.2, she starts fanning herself and yells at me for not having a pool. If it dips to 23.4, she runs screaming for a sweater.)

We complain about our jobs. (Like last week, when the make-up artist powdered my forehead a little too firmly and I had to scream at her and make her cry. Look, I bruise very easily.)

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We complain about our family. (Thanksgiving was a prime example. It was the same old song and dance at our place:
"Mom, why can't Dad be here?"
"We've been through this, James. He's in prison.")

But more than anything, we complain about hockey.

During the lockout, roughly 98 percent of the emails I received were about how to fix the game (The other 2% were autograph seekers, wanting to know if I could get to Gino Reda. I can't by the way. He only signs at shows).

Newspaper columnists have made careers out of "What's wrong with hockey" opinions.

But now what?

What can we possibly whine about, when the game looks as good as it's ever been?

Oh, we'll find something. We always do. It's just who we are.

So here's a pre-emptive strike. The first "What's Wrong With Hockey" column of the new NHL era.

1. TOO MANY GOALS: 5-4? 7-6? 8-3? This bites. In the good ole pre-lockout days, you never feared missing a goal when you abandoned your recliner midway through the game to, you know...make a sandwich...put the kids to bed...build a deck.

Now? You can't take a pee-break without missing three lead changes.

2. TOO MANY COMEBACKS: When your team led 2-1 after 2, you could go to bed early, completely confident in victory. Heck, even the freakin' Capitals were, like, 23-1 when leading after two. And a two-goal lead? Man, a two-goal lead after one and you could flick over and watch the cougars.

(No, not Animal Planet, you idiots. Desperate Housewives.)

Now...3-1, 5-2...Nothing's safe. The Kings blew a 4-0 lead on opening night. 4-0?!?
In the old NHL, with a 4-0 lead, guys would be sipping martinis and getting their legs waxed on the bench.

Now, you actually have to stick around...and watch the whole thing! That's way too time-consuming.

TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT: Remember when you could watch a game while also: paying your bills, writing your thesis, making hot passionate monkey... whoops...uhh...umm...cookies?

Now, the games demand your full attention. It's a multi-tasking nightmare.

TOO MUCH POTTY MOUTH AND SPITTING: Actually, that really hasn't changed. My Nana just wanted me to put that in.

In summary, these new rules suck.

I long for the glory clutch and grab days of the past. For goalies who looked like Jabba The Hut. For those 1-1 Minnesota-Carolina classic. Now that was My NHL.

Anyway, gotta go.

I'm watching Monday's Toronto-Ottawa game on PVR, and the Leafs just scored three in the 3rd to take the lead, only to see the Sens score two to re-take the lead, only to have the Leafs tie it, and send it to overtime, where both teams missed glorious chances, leading to a shootout featuring some of the biggest stars in the league.

Damn game.

James Duthie can be reached at jduthie@tsn.ca

-- Edited by NSHabsFan at 12:55, 2005-10-12

-- Edited by NSHabsFan at 12:56, 2005-10-12