Nil d wrote:

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A married couple and another man - a Leaf fan - were on a sightseeing trip up on the top of the Empire State Building.  The male of the couple says "Man, the wind is so strong today, I'll bet I could jump off and it would blow me right back in".  He then proceeds to do just that; he jumps off the edge of the building, hovers in the air for a second or two, and blows right back onto the building.  The Leaf fan, impressed, tries it out too.  Of course he jumps, and goes straight down - kersplat!
The woman looks at her husband and says "You know, Superman, you can be a real bastard sometimes."

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brooklynhabfan wrote:

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Would you taste it if someone pissed in your coke?

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Barry33 walks into the bedroom where his ex-wife is in bed with a duck under his arm.  He says "This is the pig that I sleep with when you have a headache."

To this, his ex-wife replies, "You idiot, I think you'll find that is a duck under your arm."

To which Barry explains, "My dear, I think you'll find I was talking to the duck."

Have you heard about the lesbian construction company?  They don't use nails, everything is tongue-in-groove.

What's the difference between a racoon on the road that has been run over and a Leafs fan on the road that has been run over?  There's skid marks in front of the racoon.

An older gentleman was out playing a round of golf with his friends.  They were playing a hole that ran along a road, when a funeral procession went by.  To all of his friends amazement, the elderly fellow stopped, took off his hat and said a solemn prayer.  One of the others says, "Wow, you sure are showing alot of respect."  The old man replied, "It's the least I can do, we were married for 45 years, after all."

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.

Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says -
"Hey, I'm just messinging with you, dude...
You don't have to do all that stuff - she's dead!"